Editor’s Note: The following article was written by Jay Mack, one of the Tribuno’s first summer interns.
Gender and sexuality are weird topics. Controversial to some but honestly strange to someone like me. I grew up different from the other kids around me. I wasn’t classified as usual among my peers. I grew up with other kids questioning if I was gay before I could even learn the term for it. I was put in a situation where my gender seemed to be a problem for me. I didn’t grow up with a healthy self-image.
I was around 14 when I came to terms with my sexuality and gender. I grew up with my old peers saying I was gay for being close to girls, but I always felt closer to girls. I grew up knowing girls were protection against men, and I wanted nothing to do with men.
I remember when my classmate first called me gay. I was confused by what they meant. What was the word “gay”? What did it mean, and why was I being called that? Why was I being targeted with this term? I wasn’t educated about LGBTQIA+ terms when I was in elementary and middle school. Back then, I was told that relationships were supposed to be between a man and a woman who would fall in love with each other. I followed that trope because I wanted to fit in and stay in line with my peers.
I learned the terms for LGBTQIA + later in life. I would label myself as a lesbian for a long time. I knew I had a strong love for women. I felt safer with a woman and loved the idea of women in general. I didn’t see men as anything special. I was surely queer, but what was I? I liked women, but sometimes, in the media, men were okay too.
Lesbian is a term I often come back to. I always question if I’m bisexual or lesbian. When I was younger, I followed the norms of what society told me to be. Terms like gay, pansexual, and bisexual were foreign to me when I was a child. Adding gender to the mix was even worse.
It’s been almost 3 years of questioning my gender as well. I’ve gone back and forth on gender and what it means to me. I don’t identify with any gender, but I’m scared to go against the norm. I have no preference for gendered or non-gendered pronouns. I’m more like an amalgamation of tropes in one person. I possess qualities of both females and males, yet none of them at once. I have a female body, but I dress neutral and try to style my hair to match a boy’s style. I don’t lean towards one more than the other when it comes to gender terms. I see myself as a person who can fit into any role that needs to be played.
I want to be female because I was born that way, but I’m not entirely a female either. I’m not ever going to be 100% masculine, but I’ll never fit the standard of being a girl. I want to cut off my breasts and have no sexual parts. I don’t like the idea of having any defining biological indications of sex.
I’m still exploring what I want to identify with. I’m neither a man nor a woman. I am non-binary, but not always. I want to be a person, not defined by gender. I use the pronouns interchangeably. I know I like women, but I can’t call myself a lesbian or 100% bisexual. I may like women, but being with a man sounds like something I would not do. I only like feminine people. I’m not gay, but I’m not entirely bisexual either. I am queer and don’t stick to one term. My gender does not define me, nor does my sexuality/sexual preference.
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